Sharing Toys

Ariana (6) and Lily (2) love each other very much.  Lily has missed Ari when she goes to school all day and sometimes asks, "Sissy go?".  Ari can be very sweet to Lily and loves to help her with lots of things and teach her how to talk correctly and dance and reads to her.  They love to dance together and play dress up and pick raspberries in the backyard and share a snack.  But, when they play with toys together, quite often I hear, "MINE!"  "SISSY'S!!!!"  "WAAAAAHHH"  "LILY!  GIVE IT BACK!"  "SHE WANTS TO TAKE EVERYTHING AND I AM PLAYING WITH THOSE!"  And their playtime usually ends with Ari yelling a few more mean phrases with the word 'stupid' or 'hate' or 'never' in it and slamming the door and Lily falling to a heap in the living room wailing.

My first thought is usually, "Why doesn't Ari know how to share with Lily?  She's 6!  She is usually so patient with Lily.  I have taught her how to say please and hold out her hand instead of grabbing from Lily.  I have taught her how to make a trade with Lily or to wait it out and get the toy when Lily loses interest.  I have taught her to ask me for help if those techniques don't work."  What's going on is, Lily is grabbing toys that Ari has already chosen to play with.  The toys were Ari's first, after all, since she was born first and is nearly 4 years older, so she has already decided her favorites.  Lily is old enough now to have an opinion and is skilled enough to play with two or more things at a time, so the make a trade technique doesn't work for her anymore.  Also, Lily has a much longer attention span and is no longer in the cause-and-effect only type of play but can do imaginary play.  So, the waiting it out technique doesn't work for Ari anymore.  And, I don't know why she isn't coming to me for help, except maybe she finds it more easy or effective to yell or grab.  Lily also tends to like the same things as Ari now.

Lily took a late nap today so I had some time with Ari after school.  We did a puzzle and talked about the sharing issue.  I asked her why she has trouble sharing toys with Lily she said because those toys are special and she doesn't want Lily to have them and also that she wishes she had an older sister to play with her.  I told her that is why we try to let you play with friends often and asked if she ever has trouble sharing with friends.  She said, "no, because I let her choose because we have a rule in our house that when a guest is over, you let them play what they want to play."  WOW!  I do remember teaching her a little lesson several months ago about how to treat a guest at a play date at your house, but I didn't think it stuck, but I guess it did!  HOORAY!

Then I got some paper and markers.  I drew a picture of the girls' room.  Ari likes to draw pictures with me.  She sat on my lap and watched as I talked about their room, specifically the space under her loft bed, being the "sharing space."  Then I drew a picture of another room and talked about it being "Ari's play alone space."  I told her that if she plays nicely with Lily for just 5-10 minutes then she can play with her own toys in her alone play space.  She agreed.  Then we talked about and drew a picture of what "Playing Nicely" does not look like and sound like and then, on the other half of the paper, what "Playing Nicely" does look like and sound like.  Ari helped with that side.  She wrote "sorry, Lily" in the word bubble and I told her it is good to say sorry when we do something wrong, but I am hoping that when you are playing nicely you won't be doing anything wrong.  Then we came up with some more phrases.  She drew about 7 check boxes on the right of the page and said she wants a prize from the store when she fills the check boxes.  I agreed and mentioned that if she has a bad play time with Lily, I just might add on another check box.  (Oops, just realized that's a type of cost response punishment- something my work training frowns upon. Oh well, maybe I will occasionally).

Then we sorted toys into new pink containers.  What I wished I had told her earlier is that these containers are toys that she and Lily need to share and she can't keep to herself.  When Lily woke up, I had Ari choose a pink box of toys to share with Lily for her sister play time.  She immediately got defensive and said, "not these!"  (The Magic Clip Princesses)  Lily immediately cried.  Oh geesh.  We chose the Sofia the First toys (or "Fo Fat" as Lily says ;) and they still fought a bit.  I was a little distracted trying to get dinner going (bad timing to try to be successful at helping them).  Ari ended up frowning a lot and saying mean things.  They were separated.  I drew an extra box on her chart.  She was a little sad, I encouraged her to try again.  We had dinner.  Then they played outside SOOO nicely!  I heard: "Lily, want Sissy to pull you in the wagon?"  And Lily was so happy and so was Ari and I folded an entire basket of laundry and the weather was perfect!  At bedtime, I thanked Ari for playing so nicely outside with Lily and put a smiley face in the first check box.

When Andrew got home he showed Ari the carousel accessory he bought for her carousel that was given to her.  He bought it on Amazon weeks ago as a prize she can earn.  He and I told her that this is what she can have if she fills all her check boxes.  She looked at the fancy lion and her eyes grew big and she smiled!

In the past I have been inconsistent at using "working for" charts as a Mom, but I am determined this time.  My plan is to give them even just 5 minutes here and there to practice playing nicely.  And while Ari is at school, I will take a few minutes to play with Lily to teach her not to grab toys but to ask instead and to make trades or wait (that one may be really hard for her personally).  Then when I am alone with Ari, re-teach her the sharing techniques discussed above.  And of course, allow her some time, with me only or alone, to play with the toys she really wants to play with.  (Maybe we'll break out the big polly pockets - which Lily is too little to play with- and have them ride on the carousel.)

Update: Sept. 7th Ariana earned her prize for sharing with Lily!

She loves her carousel lion!

 I did forget to require them to play together a few times and could have been more consistent with it and I did not get around to teaching Lily to ask instead of grab toys, except maybe briefly once or twice, but overall, this challenge has made me more aware of what is going on with my kids and has reminded me to praise them when I do hear them getting along well.  It is so easy as a parent to only notice the negative, whiny voices and try to correct them rather than have my ears tuned in to when they ARE sharing and getting along well. After discussing with Ari what sharing looks like and sounds like, I was able to notice it more and often say, "I like what I'm hearing, you both sound so happy!" or "I like what  I'm seeing now."  I even took the time once or twice to just sit a little ways off from them while they were playing and observe and jump in to give prompts to Lily like, "say please," or to Ari, "hold your hand out" or "give her another toy."  This really helped, I think.  I tried to catch it on video, but then they were playing so nicely after that, so I got only positive interactions on camera!

Oh, and Lily loves to do puzzles!  She's pretty good at them, too!