Yes and No

Story Time
Last night I went to a dance class where we worked on partnering and improvisation. The teacher gave us an exercise to do with a partner in which we reacted to each other with movements that said either "yes" or "no."  It was all up to you each moment whether you were going to say yes or no in response to your partner.  It was a fascinating exercise.  The suspense of never knowing what the partner was going to say or dance next and then making up your mind on the fly both with your actions and your voice was a very good exercise in decisiveness!  I learned that it was sometimes fun to say "no" and sometimes fun to say "yes."  It didn't really matter too much if I said and danced "yes" or "no" because my partner could also make up her mind about yes or no and no one got offended.  It is very therapeutic too, if, say, you are approaching your employer to ask for a raise and the anxiety of whether they will say "yes" or "no" could be so nerve-wracking that you procrastinate it and procrastinate it. This exercise could be therapeutic in that situation because it lets you play out both scenarios.  

This morning, Lily woke up at 5:45.  I wasn't very sleepy either so we read books on the couch in the early morning light (pink sky Lily noted).  The first book we read was one we got from our short subscription of Bookroo.  It was called "And Away We Go!"  Mr. Fox gets a hot air balloon, in which he plans to fly to the moon  Along the way, his friends stop him one by one and ask if they can come too and they also request things like pizza, milkshakes, music, dancing, and games, to which he always replies in the affirmative: sure, right you are, the more the merrier, hop right in, etc  This book is so cute and the illustrations are bright and colorful and the imagination is creative.  The message is so fun- Mr. Fox sure was fun to be around and even though he didn't get where he originally planned to go, he had a lot of fun with his friends.

Parenting Yesses and Nos

As a parent, I am sure we say a lot of nos and hopefully we balance that out with some yesses,  In my opinion, an effective and fun parent knows when to break "the rules":  Yes, we can go out for doughnuts for breakfast!  Yes we can eat ice cream for dinner!  Yes we can play in the mud!   Yes, we can snuggle and watch a movie and drink chocolate milk!  Yes we can read 10 books at bedtime!  Yes, I will play with you!  One of my instructors compared it to putting a deposit in the bank.  When we give a compliment, spend quality time with our child, say yes when we would normally say no, we are putting a deposit in the bank of our child  Then when we have to make a withdrawal (say no, ask your child to do something difficult or less pleasant, or the like), there is something in the "bank" we can draw from without emptying it completely or going into a negative balance. 

Parenting Styles

When we over use nos and yesses, we risk becoming either a permissive parent (too many yesses) or an authoritarian parent (too many nos).  In the movie Enchanted, Giselle says to Robert,"No?  Is that all you ever say-  no?!"  To which he answers, "No!"  ;)  And in Matilda, her father bullies her: "I'm big, you're little.  I'm smart, you're dumb.  I'm right, you're wrong. And there's nothing you can do about it!"  There's our authoritarian or coercive parenting example.  In Big Daddy, Adam Sandler at first takes the role of the permissive parent, even letting his new son choose his own name and what he wants for lunch: 

Dad: "Hey, Frankenstein! What do you want for lunch?"

Son: "30 packets of ketchup."

Dad to the man at hot dog stand:  "Alright, you heard the boy!"

Authoritative parents foster positive emotional connection, set boundaries and limits that are reasonable and enforced, and teach children how to regulate their own behavior.  (Strengthening Our Families- An In-Depth Look at the Proclamation on the Family, Chapter 7)

Picking your Battles

So, how do you make good use of your yesses and nos so you can really be an effective, authoritative parent?  I think it begins with picking your battles.   We all have ideals, things we aspire to do or be.  That is all good.  When I first became a mom, I thought I wouldn't leave the house in my pajamas and would definitely wash my child's face and brush her hair before going into public.  That is an ideal for me.  That is not reality, most of the time.  We also have ideals for how we want our kids to behave.  And that is great to have high expectations.  But I want to differentiate between ideal behavior and replacement behavior and problem behavior.  Screaming to get a toy is a problem behavior.  The replacement behavior is asking "please" for the toy.  The ideal behavior is waiting nicely until the other child is done playing with the toy or being ok with playing with something else.  This isn't a perfect example, but I hope you get the point.  The ideal is something they can get as they mature and learn, but I would much rather settle for the replacement behavior than be dealing with the problem behavior several times a day.  If we pick too many "battles" throughout the day, we could end up in a power struggle over something silly like socks!  (Ex: "No, you can't wear mismatched socks to school!  Gasp!  What a horrible thought!") 

What do you really want to enforce? What do you really have control over without taking away your child's agency?  As parents, we have a lot more control than we realize.  And knowing this actually encourages our children to have a healthy perspective on agency.  

Two things we have control over:

 Antecedents - what happens before (how we present a direction or task)

Consequences- what happens after, how we respond (what we say and do after child's problem behavior, or replacement behavior, or even ideal behavior- it could be a reward, a correction, or even planned ignoring)

As a mom, I have control over my facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, choice of words, voice volume, choices of foods and activities I offer to my kids, what kinds of chores they have to do, what kinds of rewards or privileges I offer or take away, bedtimes and naptimes (to a degree) and of course my thoughts.  Empowering, huh?

My former boss, Lisa, told me a situation in which a child wasn't getting dressed for school.  She explained to the mom that she has the option to take the child to school, in pjs, and walk in and say to the teacher, "Billy didn't want to get dressed for school today and I understand (wink wink) that children who are not dressed properly for the weather are not allowed to play at recess and I totally support that rule."  Do you think it would take very many times for Billy to learn to get dressed for school?  That's just one example of allowing the child a choice, but maintaining control over the consequence.  At my home, I tell my kids that if they choose not to brush their teeth at night, they choose not to have sweet things to eat the next day.

Application

So, where do you see yourself?  Have you been saying too many nos lately?  Or too many yesses?  What will you do differently this week?  Have you found yourself in a power struggle with your child over something seemingly insignificant?  Well, the good news is, you're a real mom and not a robot!  ;)

This post would not be complete without sharing my friend's story.  Rebecca and her husband and their three darling little girls have a unique family tradition.  Sunday is Yes Day.  I took the opportunity to interview her about it today and am so excited to share it with you because she hit the nail on the head with the point I am trying to make about yes and no and parenting.  

Interview with Rebecca Ritchie

How did the tradition of Sunday Yes Day originate?

What does Sunday Yes Day look like?

Do you really say yes to everything?

How has this tradition influenced your family?

Thank you, Rebecca!  What a great example to us of patience and helping your children feel loved!

Other Thoughts

On the topic of telling our children no, in Finding Nemo, Marlen tells his son Nemo, "you think you can do these things, but you just can't, Nemo!"  He later learns to let go a little in his parenting style.  I definitely don't want to discourage my child from dreaming big and achieving great things.  But I did just that this morning!  We watched Ramona and Beezus movie last week and Ari wanted to do the egg trick Ramona and her friends do with a hard boiled egg.  They crack it on top and on bottom and then blow the egg out of the shell, keeping the round shell mostly intact!  I told her I didn't think it was possible. But she proved me wrong!

 Winnie the Pooh says, "People say nothing is impossible. I do nothing everyday." 

Resources:

Accepting No Tutorial for Kids

And Away We Go! by Migy

Bookroo Monthly Book Subscription

Strengthening Our Families Book- The Parenting Bible according to Kierstena

"Yes and my princess is named Ginger." Playing with Your Kids

The Sabbath is a Delight

Picking Your Battles Parenting Worksheet

What is important to you, personally? Rank them in order of most importance, with most importance being number 1.

• Safety ___
• Health ___
• Cleanliness ___
• Appearance ___
• Chores ___
• Manners ___
• Matching socks ___
• Hand washing ___
• _________________
• _________________
• _________________
• _________________

What are your ideals for behavior?

What I would love my kids to do:

What I would love for my kids to never do:

What are the problem behaviors your child is dealing with?

Big problem:

Medium problem:

Small problem:

What would be a replacement behavior for that problem behavior?

“Well, at least he has clothes on!”

For Big problem:

For Med problem:

For Sm problem:

When is it a good time to shoot for the ideals? When is your child at his/her best? (Morning, mid day, evening, after nap, after a meal, after play time with Dad, weekends rather than weekdays...etc.)

When is a bad time to shoot for the ideals but better to encourage and be ok with replacement behaviors? (Bad time for your child, and bad time for you)

Questions to ponder when Picking a Battle:

1.

Is this a safety concern?

If yes, proceed to #2. If no, proceed to #3.

2.

Pick this battle!

You can do it, Mom! Be firm but kind.

Explain your reason if your child is at an age she can understand.

But don't engage in an argument about it. Calmly state your answer then move on! :)

2A.

If your child is in a fairly good mood, but is not asking nicely, prompt him “How do you ask nicely?” Or if he has not done what you have asked him to do before getting the privilege he wants, tell him, “Ask me again after you have...”

Or, if your child asked nicely, use this opportunity to choose to surprise your child with a rare and unexpected “yes!” just to keep the balance of yesses and nos. ;)

3.

Is it a health concern? Y N

Is this something that ranks high on my priority list? Y N

If you answered yes to both of these questions, go back to #2. If no, proceed to #4.

4.

Is my child using a replacement behavior instead of problem behavior by asking for this in this way? Y N

If yes, proceed to #6. If no, proceed to #5.

5.

Do any of these circumstances apply?

Is my child sick, hungry, overly tired, or hurt? Y N

Is there something more urgent right now? (Is someone burning, barfing, or bleeding?) Y N

If yes to both, proceed to #6. If no to both, go to #2A.

6.

Don't pick this battle!

Relax on this issue at this time.

It is better than the problem behavior and that's good enough for now.

Don't worry. It won't always be an issue in your and your child's life. :)

Father's Day Thoughts and A Tribute to the Fathers in My Life

When considering the approaching Father's Day, I had some thoughts bubbling around in my mind. They are notes to myself about how I can encourage good fathering. I know I have much to improve on, but I hope I am improving. I am interested to hear other mothers' thoughts on how we can encourage the best out of our kids' dads. I am interested to hear if anyone else has learned similar things as me or what they have to add to it. Nonetheless, I felt compelled to write it all out before those thought bubbles just burst. 

Benefit of the doubt-

 When the father of your children has an off day or a moment of "ok, so this was not a great idea..", cut him some slack, try to see his perspective, realize that he probably feels worse about it than you do, and give him a hug and ask if he would like a break. This goes back to the crisis cycle. There is a time to offer tips or ask for more details and there is a time to say no more and just simply take over with the kids and allow your husband a cool down. I learned this the hard way once. I came home from work or something and my husband had just had a terrible evening with our daughter and I made the terrible mistake of asking for more specifics on what went wrong and trying to problem solve about what could be done better. This made my husband feel even more like a failure and escalated things a bit. And, really, what I should have said was, "oh, no! I'm sorry it was a rough time. Here, go take a break, I will put her to bed." 

Praise Praise Praise

When we specifically tell our partners how we appreciated the way he handled something or admire the way he connects with our kids or when he had your back on a disciplining situation, they know specifically what they are succeeding at. I am sure most husbands feel the same, but Andrew likes to exceed my expectations and so when I set too many expectations that doesn't leave much room for exceeding. Andrew and I kind of have this unspoken agreement that we keep our expectations low and then are very pleasantly surprised when those expectations are exceeded. If I ask Andrew to give the girls a bath, he often does it "fun dad style"- big bubbles with glow in the dark bracelets or pink water. That totally exceeds the girls' and my expectations and his pride is pumped. If you're like me, you might have trouble making your compliments sound sincere when you say them out loud. Sometimes it sounds like, "I have to give you a compliment, so here it is." Or worse:."I'm complimenting you! Did you hear me?!" If this is the case, there are better ways: a note on the bathroom mirror or in his wallet, a text, a Facebook post brag, a show-and-tell to a family member or friend who visits of what your husband did, a compliment over the phone when talking to your mom, etc.  And never forget to compliment him in front of your kids! "Dad is good at that, huh?" "He makes the best waffles!" "Look how handsome your dad is!" 

Censor Your Daily Reports

I am a girl and I love to talk. I love to tell about just about everything and I love to share it with my best friend. The trouble with that is, a story that I think is a bit humorous, he might view as frustrating and assume that I had a bad day and now we have extra drama to deal with. I am not saying that we should keep secrets from our spouses or not share our deepest feelings with them, but I think we definitely need to save the most crucial highlights of the day for him and weed out the unnecessary little dramas or inconveniences that, in the long run, don't really shake you. Also, with what you tell, it may help to have a foreword: I need your advice..or I need a listening ear...or the reason I am telling you this is because I learned something from it that I think you'll appreciate. We give them a goal at the beginning so they don't have to read our minds and think, "why is she telling me this?.What does she want from me?" 

Ask, don't whine or make comparisons- even in your head. 

This comes from a friend of mine. When your husband isn't seeming to do the little things (or big things) that you think dads should do, instead of comparing them to men who do do those things, give him a chance to do it. The least you can do is ask and encourage. Maybe the thought hadn't even occurred to him because that's not what his dad did but maybe you kind of expected it because that's what your dad did growing up and that's what's important to you. He can't read your mind, usually. Ask him if he will do it. But ask nicely, without whining or complaining or comparing, or bribing.  

Play to his strengths.

After I just mentioned that sometimes we may be able to help our spouses stretch a bit, like we would want then to encourage us to do, I think it is also important to note that they do have their boundaries,just like us. Maybe he is not as comfortable in crowds and it stresses him out too much to take the kids to a carnival. If I knew this but kept insisting that we do it every two times a year just to keep a tradition, I think the value will be lost. I don't think it would be fair of me to ask him to do something that makes him feel way uncomfortable. Maybe there is something that will still serve the same purpose of quality family time, without the extra stress. Let him choose the activity he is more comfortable with. 

Share the burden

This last one is one I am still trying to figure out. As the provider and protector of our family, I am sure he feels a huge burden. He worries about things way before it even crosses my mind. That is his personality type. Some good things have resulted from this: we have never been homeless, we have never been starving, and we have never been terribly injured. There are some things I have begun to take for granted for this. For example, I sometimes take the glass-half-full perspective of "oh, nothing bad has ever happened. We will be fine. Relax." And his response is, "Why do you think nothing bad has ever happened? Because I made sure it didn't." I had a lightbulb moment when putting our trampoline net on together. He put the door of the net on the concrete side and I thought, "that's funny, I would have thought he would want it on the grass side." But I didn't say anything because I thought he knew best and I would just be slowing things down. Well, as he watched the kids play on the trampoline, he observed the placement of the door and went back and changed it to the grass side. If I had said something when it first crossed my mind, not only would it save us time from redoing the whole thing, but it would have shown him that he is not the only one who thinks of these things. That brings me to my next point. Act like an adult. Bring my purse containing keys, wallet, and phone when we go places together. Don't forget the hotel key and just assume he has it because he has pockets and my dress doesn't have pockets. Don't wait until the last minute to put gas in your car. Don't create situations where he always has to come to your rescue or parent you. I am pretty sure guys find girls more attractive if they've "got their crap together.".(Andrew quote) Another one I love to hear: "Look at you, thinking things through!" Show gratitude. Acknowledge that he works hard and provides well and fulfills his father duties. Be happy. He told me recently that even though work sucks right now, it makes it easier on him knowing he has provided a good life for me and the kids. So, I am striving to make the most of it and enjoy my days and work hard and play hard and not complain about the house or things. Just make the best with what we've got and be happy. If you are a stay-at-home mom like me and your husband provides for that, don't ever discount the value of being at home. If I were working, we probably would be more stressed, and eating out more, and the house would be more messy, and the kids would be more unruly and/unhappy. So, make the household run smoothly, cook meals as much as you can, teach your kids, and play with them and do those awesome fun mom things that make strong families.

This is a good look for him, right?

 Family Cat Selfie!

Here are some things I learned about parenting from Andrew:

If you want kids to enjoy working near you, these three things help make that a reality:

1. Fun music

2. Random treats just because you are together. (Not because they earned it.)

3. Tools their size that they can have ownership over. Andrew has a tool bag in the garage that Ari can use anytime. 

Take advantage of moments in the day to teach. 

Example 1: You really can train your three year old to not be deathly afraid of bugs! 

Example 2: Explaining to your 7 year old that nothing terrible really happens if you ate some food you didn't like. 

Playing with your kids is priceless. Teaches them to be a little more tough, a little more tolerant, and more resistant to bullying (we hope).

     

Andrew playing on our little trampoline with Lily one morning 

                                         

Family movie night, eating cotton candy!

He totally bought a T-Rex costume for Halloween and wore it while taking his "princesses" trick-or-treating!

A week after we returned from our Hawaii trip, we realized Ari had a school oral presentation on China that we didn't prepare for.  Andrew stayed up and worked on it with her and she did amazing!  He even helped her come up with simple directions for how to remember to draw the Chinese character for "friend" and teach it to her class.

Here is the rock climbing wall Andrew built in our playroom!  So fun!

One-on-one quality time with each kid on a regular basis is priceless. Ari and Andrew call their time "Daddy-Bug Dates." Isn't that adorable? 

                                                             

Here Andrew is teaching Ari to read music by using our steps outside and chalk.  :)  

He's an adorable dad. He takes the time to curl their hair occasionally. (In fact, I think he has actually done that for them more times than I have done that for them. He is more patient than me.) 

                                                             

One of the "Daddy-dos"

Here is one of my favorite quotes from the girls about their dad: It has a little story. The girls were snuggling in bed with Dad one Sunday morning and I wanted them to start getting ready for church. I knew taking them away from Dad would be a challenge so I came prepared with incentives. 

Me: "Ok, girls, if you get dressed right now and make your beds, you can have a candy cane."

Lily (I think, maybe it was Ari): "Daddy is better than candy canes."  

  

Some things I admire my own dad for:

My dad always said, "It takes two to tango."  He taught me to be a peacemaker.  I don't remember him raising his voice or slamming a door.  He probably had a lot of moments when he wanted to but he either did it out of sight and ear shot of his children or just restrained himself.  I am thankful I didn't have an angry dad or scary dad.  My dad wasn't the type to say, "I told you so."  He didn't lecture me when I ran my car completely out of gas (I think I did that a few times as a teenager even.)  I remember one specific time was when we were on our way to my dance recital and he ran all the way to the gas station and back to bring me some gas for my car so I wouldn't be late for my recital!  He came to my rescue!  He also was there at every dance recital to tell me how proud he was of me.  I loved how he showed up consistently for the important things.  He took us on some adventures.  He took us on a hike once and I remember a few of us kids were whining because we got muddy but it didn't rattle him.  My dad repaired a lot of things himself to save us money.  He had a lot of skills.  He helped me fix up and pay for my first car, a white, I think '85, Chevy Celebrity. He read us books and his mother's poetry and he has the most beautiful voice and I loved it when he would sing.  He renovated and opened a movie theater in our small town, which we all helped run for about six years.  He got the entire family involved and taught us about excellence in customer service among other skills.  He is a really fun grandpa to my kids- I love watching him get on the floor and play with them and talk to them so naturally.

My dad, Thane Sandberg, with my sister, Rachel, at my grandpa's funeral in April 2018.  My dad is so handsome.

Some things I admire my father-in-law for:

He saw potential in Andrew that others might not have and he nurtured it.  He put Andrew to work at a young age helping him with car repairs and told him how helpful his small hands were.  And he continued that relationship as Andrew grew and taught him many skills.  I am sure it is because of him that Andrew has become the engineer and family car repairman and window-installer that he is- among other things.  Andrew even mentioned his dad giving their family cats their vaccination shots to save money instead of going to the vet.  Unpleasant things like that which help the family overall are sacrifices good dads make.  My father-in-law taught Andrew to be self-sufficient.  He is very respectful to people and is a good judge of character.    

My father-in-law, Dave.  Look how sweetly he is looking at our kitty!

Well Happy Father's Day! I hope something in this post has touched you and I hope you enjoy celebrating your childrens' father!

Here are some links to some of my favorite podcasts and videos honoring fathers:

How To Encourage Your Kids' Father Podcast by Kelsey Van Kirk

Dad Reflexes Compilation

Earthly Father, Heavenly Father

Stop Undermining Dads by Kristina Kuzmic