Yes and No

Story Time
Last night I went to a dance class where we worked on partnering and improvisation. The teacher gave us an exercise to do with a partner in which we reacted to each other with movements that said either "yes" or "no."  It was all up to you each moment whether you were going to say yes or no in response to your partner.  It was a fascinating exercise.  The suspense of never knowing what the partner was going to say or dance next and then making up your mind on the fly both with your actions and your voice was a very good exercise in decisiveness!  I learned that it was sometimes fun to say "no" and sometimes fun to say "yes."  It didn't really matter too much if I said and danced "yes" or "no" because my partner could also make up her mind about yes or no and no one got offended.  It is very therapeutic too, if, say, you are approaching your employer to ask for a raise and the anxiety of whether they will say "yes" or "no" could be so nerve-wracking that you procrastinate it and procrastinate it. This exercise could be therapeutic in that situation because it lets you play out both scenarios.  

This morning, Lily woke up at 5:45.  I wasn't very sleepy either so we read books on the couch in the early morning light (pink sky Lily noted).  The first book we read was one we got from our short subscription of Bookroo.  It was called "And Away We Go!"  Mr. Fox gets a hot air balloon, in which he plans to fly to the moon  Along the way, his friends stop him one by one and ask if they can come too and they also request things like pizza, milkshakes, music, dancing, and games, to which he always replies in the affirmative: sure, right you are, the more the merrier, hop right in, etc  This book is so cute and the illustrations are bright and colorful and the imagination is creative.  The message is so fun- Mr. Fox sure was fun to be around and even though he didn't get where he originally planned to go, he had a lot of fun with his friends.

Parenting Yesses and Nos

As a parent, I am sure we say a lot of nos and hopefully we balance that out with some yesses,  In my opinion, an effective and fun parent knows when to break "the rules":  Yes, we can go out for doughnuts for breakfast!  Yes we can eat ice cream for dinner!  Yes we can play in the mud!   Yes, we can snuggle and watch a movie and drink chocolate milk!  Yes we can read 10 books at bedtime!  Yes, I will play with you!  One of my instructors compared it to putting a deposit in the bank.  When we give a compliment, spend quality time with our child, say yes when we would normally say no, we are putting a deposit in the bank of our child  Then when we have to make a withdrawal (say no, ask your child to do something difficult or less pleasant, or the like), there is something in the "bank" we can draw from without emptying it completely or going into a negative balance. 

Parenting Styles

When we over use nos and yesses, we risk becoming either a permissive parent (too many yesses) or an authoritarian parent (too many nos).  In the movie Enchanted, Giselle says to Robert,"No?  Is that all you ever say-  no?!"  To which he answers, "No!"  ;)  And in Matilda, her father bullies her: "I'm big, you're little.  I'm smart, you're dumb.  I'm right, you're wrong. And there's nothing you can do about it!"  There's our authoritarian or coercive parenting example.  In Big Daddy, Adam Sandler at first takes the role of the permissive parent, even letting his new son choose his own name and what he wants for lunch: 

Dad: "Hey, Frankenstein! What do you want for lunch?"

Son: "30 packets of ketchup."

Dad to the man at hot dog stand:  "Alright, you heard the boy!"

Authoritative parents foster positive emotional connection, set boundaries and limits that are reasonable and enforced, and teach children how to regulate their own behavior.  (Strengthening Our Families- An In-Depth Look at the Proclamation on the Family, Chapter 7)

Picking your Battles

So, how do you make good use of your yesses and nos so you can really be an effective, authoritative parent?  I think it begins with picking your battles.   We all have ideals, things we aspire to do or be.  That is all good.  When I first became a mom, I thought I wouldn't leave the house in my pajamas and would definitely wash my child's face and brush her hair before going into public.  That is an ideal for me.  That is not reality, most of the time.  We also have ideals for how we want our kids to behave.  And that is great to have high expectations.  But I want to differentiate between ideal behavior and replacement behavior and problem behavior.  Screaming to get a toy is a problem behavior.  The replacement behavior is asking "please" for the toy.  The ideal behavior is waiting nicely until the other child is done playing with the toy or being ok with playing with something else.  This isn't a perfect example, but I hope you get the point.  The ideal is something they can get as they mature and learn, but I would much rather settle for the replacement behavior than be dealing with the problem behavior several times a day.  If we pick too many "battles" throughout the day, we could end up in a power struggle over something silly like socks!  (Ex: "No, you can't wear mismatched socks to school!  Gasp!  What a horrible thought!") 

What do you really want to enforce? What do you really have control over without taking away your child's agency?  As parents, we have a lot more control than we realize.  And knowing this actually encourages our children to have a healthy perspective on agency.  

Two things we have control over:

 Antecedents - what happens before (how we present a direction or task)

Consequences- what happens after, how we respond (what we say and do after child's problem behavior, or replacement behavior, or even ideal behavior- it could be a reward, a correction, or even planned ignoring)

As a mom, I have control over my facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, choice of words, voice volume, choices of foods and activities I offer to my kids, what kinds of chores they have to do, what kinds of rewards or privileges I offer or take away, bedtimes and naptimes (to a degree) and of course my thoughts.  Empowering, huh?

My former boss, Lisa, told me a situation in which a child wasn't getting dressed for school.  She explained to the mom that she has the option to take the child to school, in pjs, and walk in and say to the teacher, "Billy didn't want to get dressed for school today and I understand (wink wink) that children who are not dressed properly for the weather are not allowed to play at recess and I totally support that rule."  Do you think it would take very many times for Billy to learn to get dressed for school?  That's just one example of allowing the child a choice, but maintaining control over the consequence.  At my home, I tell my kids that if they choose not to brush their teeth at night, they choose not to have sweet things to eat the next day.

Application

So, where do you see yourself?  Have you been saying too many nos lately?  Or too many yesses?  What will you do differently this week?  Have you found yourself in a power struggle with your child over something seemingly insignificant?  Well, the good news is, you're a real mom and not a robot!  ;)

This post would not be complete without sharing my friend's story.  Rebecca and her husband and their three darling little girls have a unique family tradition.  Sunday is Yes Day.  I took the opportunity to interview her about it today and am so excited to share it with you because she hit the nail on the head with the point I am trying to make about yes and no and parenting.  

Interview with Rebecca Ritchie

How did the tradition of Sunday Yes Day originate?

What does Sunday Yes Day look like?

Do you really say yes to everything?

How has this tradition influenced your family?

Thank you, Rebecca!  What a great example to us of patience and helping your children feel loved!

Other Thoughts

On the topic of telling our children no, in Finding Nemo, Marlen tells his son Nemo, "you think you can do these things, but you just can't, Nemo!"  He later learns to let go a little in his parenting style.  I definitely don't want to discourage my child from dreaming big and achieving great things.  But I did just that this morning!  We watched Ramona and Beezus movie last week and Ari wanted to do the egg trick Ramona and her friends do with a hard boiled egg.  They crack it on top and on bottom and then blow the egg out of the shell, keeping the round shell mostly intact!  I told her I didn't think it was possible. But she proved me wrong!

 Winnie the Pooh says, "People say nothing is impossible. I do nothing everyday." 

Resources:

Accepting No Tutorial for Kids

And Away We Go! by Migy

Bookroo Monthly Book Subscription

Strengthening Our Families Book- The Parenting Bible according to Kierstena

"Yes and my princess is named Ginger." Playing with Your Kids

The Sabbath is a Delight

Picking Your Battles Parenting Worksheet

What is important to you, personally? Rank them in order of most importance, with most importance being number 1.

• Safety ___
• Health ___
• Cleanliness ___
• Appearance ___
• Chores ___
• Manners ___
• Matching socks ___
• Hand washing ___
• _________________
• _________________
• _________________
• _________________

What are your ideals for behavior?

What I would love my kids to do:

What I would love for my kids to never do:

What are the problem behaviors your child is dealing with?

Big problem:

Medium problem:

Small problem:

What would be a replacement behavior for that problem behavior?

“Well, at least he has clothes on!”

For Big problem:

For Med problem:

For Sm problem:

When is it a good time to shoot for the ideals? When is your child at his/her best? (Morning, mid day, evening, after nap, after a meal, after play time with Dad, weekends rather than weekdays...etc.)

When is a bad time to shoot for the ideals but better to encourage and be ok with replacement behaviors? (Bad time for your child, and bad time for you)

Questions to ponder when Picking a Battle:

1.

Is this a safety concern?

If yes, proceed to #2. If no, proceed to #3.

2.

Pick this battle!

You can do it, Mom! Be firm but kind.

Explain your reason if your child is at an age she can understand.

But don't engage in an argument about it. Calmly state your answer then move on! :)

2A.

If your child is in a fairly good mood, but is not asking nicely, prompt him “How do you ask nicely?” Or if he has not done what you have asked him to do before getting the privilege he wants, tell him, “Ask me again after you have...”

Or, if your child asked nicely, use this opportunity to choose to surprise your child with a rare and unexpected “yes!” just to keep the balance of yesses and nos. ;)

3.

Is it a health concern? Y N

Is this something that ranks high on my priority list? Y N

If you answered yes to both of these questions, go back to #2. If no, proceed to #4.

4.

Is my child using a replacement behavior instead of problem behavior by asking for this in this way? Y N

If yes, proceed to #6. If no, proceed to #5.

5.

Do any of these circumstances apply?

Is my child sick, hungry, overly tired, or hurt? Y N

Is there something more urgent right now? (Is someone burning, barfing, or bleeding?) Y N

If yes to both, proceed to #6. If no to both, go to #2A.

6.

Don't pick this battle!

Relax on this issue at this time.

It is better than the problem behavior and that's good enough for now.

Don't worry. It won't always be an issue in your and your child's life. :)

Father's Day Thoughts and A Tribute to the Fathers in My Life

When considering the approaching Father's Day, I had some thoughts bubbling around in my mind. They are notes to myself about how I can encourage good fathering. I know I have much to improve on, but I hope I am improving. I am interested to hear other mothers' thoughts on how we can encourage the best out of our kids' dads. I am interested to hear if anyone else has learned similar things as me or what they have to add to it. Nonetheless, I felt compelled to write it all out before those thought bubbles just burst. 

Benefit of the doubt-

 When the father of your children has an off day or a moment of "ok, so this was not a great idea..", cut him some slack, try to see his perspective, realize that he probably feels worse about it than you do, and give him a hug and ask if he would like a break. This goes back to the crisis cycle. There is a time to offer tips or ask for more details and there is a time to say no more and just simply take over with the kids and allow your husband a cool down. I learned this the hard way once. I came home from work or something and my husband had just had a terrible evening with our daughter and I made the terrible mistake of asking for more specifics on what went wrong and trying to problem solve about what could be done better. This made my husband feel even more like a failure and escalated things a bit. And, really, what I should have said was, "oh, no! I'm sorry it was a rough time. Here, go take a break, I will put her to bed." 

Praise Praise Praise

When we specifically tell our partners how we appreciated the way he handled something or admire the way he connects with our kids or when he had your back on a disciplining situation, they know specifically what they are succeeding at. I am sure most husbands feel the same, but Andrew likes to exceed my expectations and so when I set too many expectations that doesn't leave much room for exceeding. Andrew and I kind of have this unspoken agreement that we keep our expectations low and then are very pleasantly surprised when those expectations are exceeded. If I ask Andrew to give the girls a bath, he often does it "fun dad style"- big bubbles with glow in the dark bracelets or pink water. That totally exceeds the girls' and my expectations and his pride is pumped. If you're like me, you might have trouble making your compliments sound sincere when you say them out loud. Sometimes it sounds like, "I have to give you a compliment, so here it is." Or worse:."I'm complimenting you! Did you hear me?!" If this is the case, there are better ways: a note on the bathroom mirror or in his wallet, a text, a Facebook post brag, a show-and-tell to a family member or friend who visits of what your husband did, a compliment over the phone when talking to your mom, etc.  And never forget to compliment him in front of your kids! "Dad is good at that, huh?" "He makes the best waffles!" "Look how handsome your dad is!" 

Censor Your Daily Reports

I am a girl and I love to talk. I love to tell about just about everything and I love to share it with my best friend. The trouble with that is, a story that I think is a bit humorous, he might view as frustrating and assume that I had a bad day and now we have extra drama to deal with. I am not saying that we should keep secrets from our spouses or not share our deepest feelings with them, but I think we definitely need to save the most crucial highlights of the day for him and weed out the unnecessary little dramas or inconveniences that, in the long run, don't really shake you. Also, with what you tell, it may help to have a foreword: I need your advice..or I need a listening ear...or the reason I am telling you this is because I learned something from it that I think you'll appreciate. We give them a goal at the beginning so they don't have to read our minds and think, "why is she telling me this?.What does she want from me?" 

Ask, don't whine or make comparisons- even in your head. 

This comes from a friend of mine. When your husband isn't seeming to do the little things (or big things) that you think dads should do, instead of comparing them to men who do do those things, give him a chance to do it. The least you can do is ask and encourage. Maybe the thought hadn't even occurred to him because that's not what his dad did but maybe you kind of expected it because that's what your dad did growing up and that's what's important to you. He can't read your mind, usually. Ask him if he will do it. But ask nicely, without whining or complaining or comparing, or bribing.  

Play to his strengths.

After I just mentioned that sometimes we may be able to help our spouses stretch a bit, like we would want then to encourage us to do, I think it is also important to note that they do have their boundaries,just like us. Maybe he is not as comfortable in crowds and it stresses him out too much to take the kids to a carnival. If I knew this but kept insisting that we do it every two times a year just to keep a tradition, I think the value will be lost. I don't think it would be fair of me to ask him to do something that makes him feel way uncomfortable. Maybe there is something that will still serve the same purpose of quality family time, without the extra stress. Let him choose the activity he is more comfortable with. 

Share the burden

This last one is one I am still trying to figure out. As the provider and protector of our family, I am sure he feels a huge burden. He worries about things way before it even crosses my mind. That is his personality type. Some good things have resulted from this: we have never been homeless, we have never been starving, and we have never been terribly injured. There are some things I have begun to take for granted for this. For example, I sometimes take the glass-half-full perspective of "oh, nothing bad has ever happened. We will be fine. Relax." And his response is, "Why do you think nothing bad has ever happened? Because I made sure it didn't." I had a lightbulb moment when putting our trampoline net on together. He put the door of the net on the concrete side and I thought, "that's funny, I would have thought he would want it on the grass side." But I didn't say anything because I thought he knew best and I would just be slowing things down. Well, as he watched the kids play on the trampoline, he observed the placement of the door and went back and changed it to the grass side. If I had said something when it first crossed my mind, not only would it save us time from redoing the whole thing, but it would have shown him that he is not the only one who thinks of these things. That brings me to my next point. Act like an adult. Bring my purse containing keys, wallet, and phone when we go places together. Don't forget the hotel key and just assume he has it because he has pockets and my dress doesn't have pockets. Don't wait until the last minute to put gas in your car. Don't create situations where he always has to come to your rescue or parent you. I am pretty sure guys find girls more attractive if they've "got their crap together.".(Andrew quote) Another one I love to hear: "Look at you, thinking things through!" Show gratitude. Acknowledge that he works hard and provides well and fulfills his father duties. Be happy. He told me recently that even though work sucks right now, it makes it easier on him knowing he has provided a good life for me and the kids. So, I am striving to make the most of it and enjoy my days and work hard and play hard and not complain about the house or things. Just make the best with what we've got and be happy. If you are a stay-at-home mom like me and your husband provides for that, don't ever discount the value of being at home. If I were working, we probably would be more stressed, and eating out more, and the house would be more messy, and the kids would be more unruly and/unhappy. So, make the household run smoothly, cook meals as much as you can, teach your kids, and play with them and do those awesome fun mom things that make strong families.

This is a good look for him, right?

 Family Cat Selfie!

Here are some things I learned about parenting from Andrew:

If you want kids to enjoy working near you, these three things help make that a reality:

1. Fun music

2. Random treats just because you are together. (Not because they earned it.)

3. Tools their size that they can have ownership over. Andrew has a tool bag in the garage that Ari can use anytime. 

Take advantage of moments in the day to teach. 

Example 1: You really can train your three year old to not be deathly afraid of bugs! 

Example 2: Explaining to your 7 year old that nothing terrible really happens if you ate some food you didn't like. 

Playing with your kids is priceless. Teaches them to be a little more tough, a little more tolerant, and more resistant to bullying (we hope).

     

Andrew playing on our little trampoline with Lily one morning 

                                         

Family movie night, eating cotton candy!

He totally bought a T-Rex costume for Halloween and wore it while taking his "princesses" trick-or-treating!

A week after we returned from our Hawaii trip, we realized Ari had a school oral presentation on China that we didn't prepare for.  Andrew stayed up and worked on it with her and she did amazing!  He even helped her come up with simple directions for how to remember to draw the Chinese character for "friend" and teach it to her class.

Here is the rock climbing wall Andrew built in our playroom!  So fun!

One-on-one quality time with each kid on a regular basis is priceless. Ari and Andrew call their time "Daddy-Bug Dates." Isn't that adorable? 

                                                             

Here Andrew is teaching Ari to read music by using our steps outside and chalk.  :)  

He's an adorable dad. He takes the time to curl their hair occasionally. (In fact, I think he has actually done that for them more times than I have done that for them. He is more patient than me.) 

                                                             

One of the "Daddy-dos"

Here is one of my favorite quotes from the girls about their dad: It has a little story. The girls were snuggling in bed with Dad one Sunday morning and I wanted them to start getting ready for church. I knew taking them away from Dad would be a challenge so I came prepared with incentives. 

Me: "Ok, girls, if you get dressed right now and make your beds, you can have a candy cane."

Lily (I think, maybe it was Ari): "Daddy is better than candy canes."  

  

Some things I admire my own dad for:

My dad always said, "It takes two to tango."  He taught me to be a peacemaker.  I don't remember him raising his voice or slamming a door.  He probably had a lot of moments when he wanted to but he either did it out of sight and ear shot of his children or just restrained himself.  I am thankful I didn't have an angry dad or scary dad.  My dad wasn't the type to say, "I told you so."  He didn't lecture me when I ran my car completely out of gas (I think I did that a few times as a teenager even.)  I remember one specific time was when we were on our way to my dance recital and he ran all the way to the gas station and back to bring me some gas for my car so I wouldn't be late for my recital!  He came to my rescue!  He also was there at every dance recital to tell me how proud he was of me.  I loved how he showed up consistently for the important things.  He took us on some adventures.  He took us on a hike once and I remember a few of us kids were whining because we got muddy but it didn't rattle him.  My dad repaired a lot of things himself to save us money.  He had a lot of skills.  He helped me fix up and pay for my first car, a white, I think '85, Chevy Celebrity. He read us books and his mother's poetry and he has the most beautiful voice and I loved it when he would sing.  He renovated and opened a movie theater in our small town, which we all helped run for about six years.  He got the entire family involved and taught us about excellence in customer service among other skills.  He is a really fun grandpa to my kids- I love watching him get on the floor and play with them and talk to them so naturally.

My dad, Thane Sandberg, with my sister, Rachel, at my grandpa's funeral in April 2018.  My dad is so handsome.

Some things I admire my father-in-law for:

He saw potential in Andrew that others might not have and he nurtured it.  He put Andrew to work at a young age helping him with car repairs and told him how helpful his small hands were.  And he continued that relationship as Andrew grew and taught him many skills.  I am sure it is because of him that Andrew has become the engineer and family car repairman and window-installer that he is- among other things.  Andrew even mentioned his dad giving their family cats their vaccination shots to save money instead of going to the vet.  Unpleasant things like that which help the family overall are sacrifices good dads make.  My father-in-law taught Andrew to be self-sufficient.  He is very respectful to people and is a good judge of character.    

My father-in-law, Dave.  Look how sweetly he is looking at our kitty!

Well Happy Father's Day! I hope something in this post has touched you and I hope you enjoy celebrating your childrens' father!

Here are some links to some of my favorite podcasts and videos honoring fathers:

How To Encourage Your Kids' Father Podcast by Kelsey Van Kirk

Dad Reflexes Compilation

Earthly Father, Heavenly Father

Stop Undermining Dads by Kristina Kuzmic

Potty Training, Naps, Theories, and Letting Go

"Why was the snow yellow?"

"Because Elsa let it go."

My mom told me that joke!  :)

When Ariana was 18 months, she seemed interested in potty training.  Being a first time parent, and a behavioral therapist, I researched how to approach potty training and read all the pinterest pins on potty training tips.  I bought her a cute potty chair and new underwear.  I took a week off work to focus on potty training.  Of course, it took longer than a week to be fully potty trained, but she really learned fast, I think.  I used to attribute her success to my consistency and wide range of interventions (from videos like "Signing Time Potty Time" and "Elmo's Potty Time" to picture books and visuals and charts and a potty watch timer and a doll (I did not spend $80 on this by the way, I think it was like $20 from Walmart!), special new underwear and funny songs and prizes and giving up diapers cold turkey), as well as to Ari's smarts.  I kind of believed my job helped prepare me for this too.  I worked with a little boy and was helping to potty train him.  He was doing well, but soon became violent when taken to the bathroom.  Because we were not at home, I didn't want him to have an accident so bathroom trips were very frequent and he got tired of it.  If I wouldn't have been so adamant about timing the bathroom trips, I think we could have been more successful.  Poor guy and his poor mom. I wish I would have done better and I feel bad I didn't have more experience before this.  It's basically the only thing kids have total control over, besides eating.

I started using cloth diapers with Lily when she was 2 months old because I had just become a stay at home mom and wanted to find ways to save money.  I never thought I would use cloth diapers!  But, I was willing to try it- to save money, but also because cloth diapers are so cute these days!  I had a friend who did it so I thought I would try.  Really, the hardest part was researching how to wash them properly.  But once I found this website, fluffloveuniversity, that cleared up a lot of confusion because they had already done all the scientific testing and research!  So, Lily is 26 months currently and I started introducing her to potty training around 15 months, just because I could tell when she was going number 2 (slightly constipated).  I didn't put a lot of pressure on her because she was so young, and I figured that, according to this, I was at least helping her recognize how she feels. She had some success at first.  This summer, I decided to really try and potty train her.  Summers are great for that because we can be outside more and she can wear summer dresses with nothing underneath, which is what we did with Ari.  We used disposable diapers with Lily for some longer outings and for bedtime, so I decided to stop switching back and forth between cloth and disposable because I thought that would confuse her.  But, Lily doesn't seem to care.  Either she is just used to feeling wet and heavy (cloth diapers are bulkier and a bit heavier than disposables and also don't do as great of a job at wicking away the moisture) or she just isn't ready yet.  Ari hates being wet anywhere- even just a tiny bit- so the natural consequence of accidents was enough to motivate her to potty train, I think.  Lily had some success for awhile, but lately it seems like she just comes to tell me "I peed" or "I pooped" with no remorse that it was on the ground or in her underwear.  She almost sounded proud.  Well, at least she is recognizing her bodily functions!  Maybe I didn't use all the resources I used with Ari, and maybe I really didn't try hard enough.  And maybe the cloth diaper potty training is just a whole other thing.  (However, one other way I am thankful I did cloth diapering is because it got me in the habit of cleaning out messy clothes anyway and getting the tools I need to do that efficiently).  Tools: spray pal, bidet diaper pail wet/dry bag. I believe everyone should have a bidet- it is great for many things not just spraying out poopy pants.

Whatever the reason it is, and whoever's fault it is - mine, Lily's, cloth diaper's, etc.- Lily is NOT progressing at potty training!

I am pretty stubborn and pretty persistent.  Which can be my vice as well as my virtue.  This last week, Andrew went and bought some disposable diapers- with my permission.  But I would have bought a small pack, but he bought this:

100 count disposable diapers

It was a blessing because I believe I have carpal tunnel in my left wrist.  It has become so painful lately that simple tasks like snapping and unsnapping these cute cloth diapers is nearly impossible.  My grip strength is decreasing.  And Lily drinks A LOT and therefore pees A LOT.  I think I changed her cloth diapers 8-12 times a day on average.  Do you see the number of hours of absorbency on the package of disposables?  12 hours!  That decreases a lot of diaper changes!  (I do change her more frequently than 12 hours).  

Using disposables has not only saved my hand from some pain throughout my day, it has saved Lily and I from some power struggles.  Cloth diapers sometimes leak and when she is wet, she needs to be changed immediately.  This is hard for her when she is cold or tired or hungry.  Timing is everything and it was a bit stressful.  Lily is very different from Ari.  She needs her fluffy blanket and sippy cup of milk and she is probably just as stubborn as me- or more.  So, I don't know when she will potty train.  But, I assume before kindergarten. :)  

The sippy cup of milk has become a problem too- she became dependent on it to get her to sleep at nap time and bed time.  Her dentist said to stop that last year and now she is due for another check up and I don't want to be that mom that makes the dentist think, "Why didn't she do what I said?"

So, of course, naps and bedtimes have been difficult.  

I believe Lily is sent to me to teach me about agency.  I tried to get her to go down for a nap at 1 when Ari is still at school so I can get some things done and then wake her up to get her sissy from school.  I tried reading to her, laying down with her, listening to music with her, etc.  That took a lot of time and my house was getting very messy.  Today I read to her, put her in her bed with her fluffy blanket and penguin and went out the door.  She can open the door now...  I put a door knob cover on the door knob... She pulled that off.  I put a different type of door knob cover on her door knob.  She pulled that off.... I put a door knob cover plus a sock on the door knob, she pretty much laughed as she pulled that off... I drew a picture with her of things she can do in her room during "quiet time" (sleep, read, play quietly, puzzle).  She happily took her picture into her room and then came out a minute later.  I tried the Super Nanny trick of calmly but sternly putting her back in bed repetitively without speaking to her.  She still came out.  This took the entire hour and a half.  Then it was time to get Ari from school.  She and Lily played with peanut butter play dough and then at 3:30, I found Lily asleep like this: 

So sweet!

She napped for an hour, and went to bed at about 9pm.  

So there you have it!  My theory on potty training and naps and cloth diapers and agency!  Out the window!  Every kid is different... every situation is different... we just cope and hope.  :)

Sharing Toys

Ariana (6) and Lily (2) love each other very much.  Lily has missed Ari when she goes to school all day and sometimes asks, "Sissy go?".  Ari can be very sweet to Lily and loves to help her with lots of things and teach her how to talk correctly and dance and reads to her.  They love to dance together and play dress up and pick raspberries in the backyard and share a snack.  But, when they play with toys together, quite often I hear, "MINE!"  "SISSY'S!!!!"  "WAAAAAHHH"  "LILY!  GIVE IT BACK!"  "SHE WANTS TO TAKE EVERYTHING AND I AM PLAYING WITH THOSE!"  And their playtime usually ends with Ari yelling a few more mean phrases with the word 'stupid' or 'hate' or 'never' in it and slamming the door and Lily falling to a heap in the living room wailing.

My first thought is usually, "Why doesn't Ari know how to share with Lily?  She's 6!  She is usually so patient with Lily.  I have taught her how to say please and hold out her hand instead of grabbing from Lily.  I have taught her how to make a trade with Lily or to wait it out and get the toy when Lily loses interest.  I have taught her to ask me for help if those techniques don't work."  What's going on is, Lily is grabbing toys that Ari has already chosen to play with.  The toys were Ari's first, after all, since she was born first and is nearly 4 years older, so she has already decided her favorites.  Lily is old enough now to have an opinion and is skilled enough to play with two or more things at a time, so the make a trade technique doesn't work for her anymore.  Also, Lily has a much longer attention span and is no longer in the cause-and-effect only type of play but can do imaginary play.  So, the waiting it out technique doesn't work for Ari anymore.  And, I don't know why she isn't coming to me for help, except maybe she finds it more easy or effective to yell or grab.  Lily also tends to like the same things as Ari now.

Lily took a late nap today so I had some time with Ari after school.  We did a puzzle and talked about the sharing issue.  I asked her why she has trouble sharing toys with Lily she said because those toys are special and she doesn't want Lily to have them and also that she wishes she had an older sister to play with her.  I told her that is why we try to let you play with friends often and asked if she ever has trouble sharing with friends.  She said, "no, because I let her choose because we have a rule in our house that when a guest is over, you let them play what they want to play."  WOW!  I do remember teaching her a little lesson several months ago about how to treat a guest at a play date at your house, but I didn't think it stuck, but I guess it did!  HOORAY!

Then I got some paper and markers.  I drew a picture of the girls' room.  Ari likes to draw pictures with me.  She sat on my lap and watched as I talked about their room, specifically the space under her loft bed, being the "sharing space."  Then I drew a picture of another room and talked about it being "Ari's play alone space."  I told her that if she plays nicely with Lily for just 5-10 minutes then she can play with her own toys in her alone play space.  She agreed.  Then we talked about and drew a picture of what "Playing Nicely" does not look like and sound like and then, on the other half of the paper, what "Playing Nicely" does look like and sound like.  Ari helped with that side.  She wrote "sorry, Lily" in the word bubble and I told her it is good to say sorry when we do something wrong, but I am hoping that when you are playing nicely you won't be doing anything wrong.  Then we came up with some more phrases.  She drew about 7 check boxes on the right of the page and said she wants a prize from the store when she fills the check boxes.  I agreed and mentioned that if she has a bad play time with Lily, I just might add on another check box.  (Oops, just realized that's a type of cost response punishment- something my work training frowns upon. Oh well, maybe I will occasionally).

Then we sorted toys into new pink containers.  What I wished I had told her earlier is that these containers are toys that she and Lily need to share and she can't keep to herself.  When Lily woke up, I had Ari choose a pink box of toys to share with Lily for her sister play time.  She immediately got defensive and said, "not these!"  (The Magic Clip Princesses)  Lily immediately cried.  Oh geesh.  We chose the Sofia the First toys (or "Fo Fat" as Lily says ;) and they still fought a bit.  I was a little distracted trying to get dinner going (bad timing to try to be successful at helping them).  Ari ended up frowning a lot and saying mean things.  They were separated.  I drew an extra box on her chart.  She was a little sad, I encouraged her to try again.  We had dinner.  Then they played outside SOOO nicely!  I heard: "Lily, want Sissy to pull you in the wagon?"  And Lily was so happy and so was Ari and I folded an entire basket of laundry and the weather was perfect!  At bedtime, I thanked Ari for playing so nicely outside with Lily and put a smiley face in the first check box.

When Andrew got home he showed Ari the carousel accessory he bought for her carousel that was given to her.  He bought it on Amazon weeks ago as a prize she can earn.  He and I told her that this is what she can have if she fills all her check boxes.  She looked at the fancy lion and her eyes grew big and she smiled!

In the past I have been inconsistent at using "working for" charts as a Mom, but I am determined this time.  My plan is to give them even just 5 minutes here and there to practice playing nicely.  And while Ari is at school, I will take a few minutes to play with Lily to teach her not to grab toys but to ask instead and to make trades or wait (that one may be really hard for her personally).  Then when I am alone with Ari, re-teach her the sharing techniques discussed above.  And of course, allow her some time, with me only or alone, to play with the toys she really wants to play with.  (Maybe we'll break out the big polly pockets - which Lily is too little to play with- and have them ride on the carousel.)

Update: Sept. 7th Ariana earned her prize for sharing with Lily!

She loves her carousel lion!

 I did forget to require them to play together a few times and could have been more consistent with it and I did not get around to teaching Lily to ask instead of grab toys, except maybe briefly once or twice, but overall, this challenge has made me more aware of what is going on with my kids and has reminded me to praise them when I do hear them getting along well.  It is so easy as a parent to only notice the negative, whiny voices and try to correct them rather than have my ears tuned in to when they ARE sharing and getting along well. After discussing with Ari what sharing looks like and sounds like, I was able to notice it more and often say, "I like what I'm hearing, you both sound so happy!" or "I like what  I'm seeing now."  I even took the time once or twice to just sit a little ways off from them while they were playing and observe and jump in to give prompts to Lily like, "say please," or to Ari, "hold your hand out" or "give her another toy."  This really helped, I think.  I tried to catch it on video, but then they were playing so nicely after that, so I got only positive interactions on camera!

Oh, and Lily loves to do puzzles!  She's pretty good at them, too!

And now...

 So, I had just posted about what I used to do for work before I became a stay-at-home mom and how I felt like I was pretty successful at that job.  That is a funny word, success.  How do you know if you are successful at something?  Truth is, on a day-to-day basis, I probably didn't feel all that successful at my job.  If you ask my husband, many tears were shed over this job and often times my cry was something like, "I just don't feel like I'm making any difference!"

There is a difference between motherhood and other occupations (college student, HI therapist, elementary school teacher, etc).  In my job as an HI therapist, I had a kind of checklist to follow- called a job description, of course.  My duties were laid out pretty clear, I think.  And I had my data to look at to tell if the child really was making progress.  I also had monthly employee reviews, like I mentioned, and comments from coworkers, parents, and my supervisor.  When you are a college student, you have a syllabus that tells you what you are required to do and you earn a grade.  There is no job description typed up for the position of motherhood.  There is no syllabus for motherhood.  No one is grading my mothering.  No one is giving me an employee review on my job as a mother.  (Well, my four-year-old has given me many informal reviews, but I don't know if I would call her a reliable source when she tells me I am a good mom one day when I let her eat ice cream for lunch and then the next day I am a bad mom because I won't let her watch her favorite movie for the third time that day.)  And data?  Ha! Who has time to take data? (You may be thinking, "or who cares about taking data?" I am a bit of a nerd, so I like things like that.  But, we will talk about data later.)

My point is, there is no real sure way to tell if you are a good mom.  (I kinda used to think I was a good mom and then my daughter reached the terrible -but terrific- threes and I realized that her goodness at age 2 could not be completely credited to me.) I also used to think I was doing a pretty good job as a mom, and then I became a mom of 2 and a stay-at-home mom.  Just when I start to feel like, "I got this," I am given another challenge.  I guess that is the Lord's way of keeping me humble so I will always ask for His help.  :)

When I was pregnant with my first, and working as an HI therapist, I remember attending a staff meeting where we were discussing how remaining neutral or emotionally stable in a tense situation with a client is so crucial.  I jokingly, but kinda truthfully and naively commented, "Now that I know all this, I am going to be an amazing mom, right?"  Several of my coworkers who have children of their own laughed and assured me that it is completely different with your own kids.

While it is true that we treat our own children different from others' children, I believe that the techniques, and psychology behind the techniques, are helpful to any parent and applicable to all children.  The more knowledge the better.

That is what I want to focus on in this blog.  This will be my little - no, big- experiment.  To see if I can approach parenting situations with my own kids in a similar manner in which I would approach situations at work with my clients.  I will present the problem or situation I am most currently dealing with, share the techniques and ideas I have learned in my training and study as an HI therapist that are related to that topic, and take action with the technique I think will be most effective, record progress, and report back the success.  Does it sound like I am turning my own children into their own case studies?  Haha...a little bit, yeah, but it will be more parent-friendly I am hoping, and more of an easier read than the books I had to read for certification.   And like, I said earlier, parenting is much different from being a therapist, but that is also a strength.

Wish me luck!

My Former Life

Growing up, I loved playing with dolls.  I always wanted to be a mommy.  I loved babysitting and I taught dance lessons and cheer camps to younger kids and worked as a cabin counselor at a youth camp right after high school.  And I worked at a daycare after high school, too.  It was a daycare that catered to parents who worked the late shift so I would be there until midnight, putting kids "to bed" until their parents came to pick them up.  How sad for parents to not be able to put their own kids to bed, huh?  But, I enjoyed caring for, playing with, feeding, and putting kids to bed.  It was the grown up way of playing with dolls, haha!  I really enjoyed working at the daycare.

In college, I wasn't sure what to major in but my roommate was majoring in child development and that sounded fun so I took Child Development 110 and loved it so I chose the same major.  I loved my classes.  It was fascinating to me to learn how children learn and grow and how to be a good teacher to them.  While in college, I taught dance lessons for a studio in town and I worked as a developmental therapist for a developmental disability agency, where I worked one on one with children and adults with developmental disabilities and I really enjoyed it.

After I graduated, I was hired by The Learning Center in Idaho Falls as - what was then called- an Intensive Behavioral Intervention therapist or IBI therapist.  After the medicaid changes, the job title was changed to Habilitative Intervention.  Basically, I was a behavioral therapist, who works one-on-one with children with a developmnetal disability (such as autism, cerebral-palsy, downs syndrome) ages 3-18 years.  Therapy sessions can take place in the home, community, school, and facility.  Therapy involved doing a functional analysis to find out what problem behaviors were occurring, what was triggering them, writing an implementation plan, teaching replacement behaviors, rewarding desired behaviors, and extinguishing target behaviors, and training important people in the child's life to allow for generalization across settings, people, and situations.  Therapy also involved teaching life skills that will help the child be more successful in any environment.  It required training and classes in Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) and Child Development and Learning Theories.  To certify, I was required to complete those courses and to have 3000 hours experience working with kids with developmental disabilities and I needed to complete a Student Project, where I conducted a functional analysis, wrote an implementation plan, carried out that implementation plan, made a video of my work with the client, and tracked his progress.  Oh, did I mention the test I had to take?  I had to take a big test to show my knowledge in the IBI program.  It involved multiple choice questions and two essay questions, where I explained how I would apply my knowledge in various situations.  I think the test took me 2 hours to complete!

Whew...that was a lot of work to certify.  But I enjoyed it, it was fascinating to me.  Staff trainings every month were my favorite night because I would learn some amazing techniques that I was excited to use with my clients.  I often would call my mom on the drive home and tell her what I had learned that night.  She is a school teacher and so she was interested in it, too.  I would share what I learned with the parents of the kids I worked with.  This was called consultation and it was required that I do about 2 hours a month of consultation with the parent, where I use a hands-on approach to teach parents the skills and techniques we use with their children. I worked for The Learning Center for 6 years, 2 years full time and 4 years part time after my first daughter was born.  I worked with a dozen or so kids over the course of that time.  I worked with some amazing, really cute, fun, smart kids.  It was such a learning and growing experience.  I was very passionate about my work, and loved to learn more about that type of work.  I received exceptional employee reviews from my supervisor and also great reviews and comments from the parents of the kids I worked with - and even some requests for me specifically to be their child's therapist. I kind of got the reputation at work as "the one with all the creative ideas."  (Yes, I am tooting my own horn here, but a little horn tooting once in a while is healthy, isn't it?)  Plus, I am just stating the facts, and I have the documents to prove it.  Seriously, I can scan my employee reviews right now if you want.

So, I think I was pretty successful at what I did.  And then I became a stay-at-home mom.