Potty Training, Naps, Theories, and Letting Go

"Why was the snow yellow?"

"Because Elsa let it go."

My mom told me that joke!  :)

When Ariana was 18 months, she seemed interested in potty training.  Being a first time parent, and a behavioral therapist, I researched how to approach potty training and read all the pinterest pins on potty training tips.  I bought her a cute potty chair and new underwear.  I took a week off work to focus on potty training.  Of course, it took longer than a week to be fully potty trained, but she really learned fast, I think.  I used to attribute her success to my consistency and wide range of interventions (from videos like "Signing Time Potty Time" and "Elmo's Potty Time" to picture books and visuals and charts and a potty watch timer and a doll (I did not spend $80 on this by the way, I think it was like $20 from Walmart!), special new underwear and funny songs and prizes and giving up diapers cold turkey), as well as to Ari's smarts.  I kind of believed my job helped prepare me for this too.  I worked with a little boy and was helping to potty train him.  He was doing well, but soon became violent when taken to the bathroom.  Because we were not at home, I didn't want him to have an accident so bathroom trips were very frequent and he got tired of it.  If I wouldn't have been so adamant about timing the bathroom trips, I think we could have been more successful.  Poor guy and his poor mom. I wish I would have done better and I feel bad I didn't have more experience before this.  It's basically the only thing kids have total control over, besides eating.

I started using cloth diapers with Lily when she was 2 months old because I had just become a stay at home mom and wanted to find ways to save money.  I never thought I would use cloth diapers!  But, I was willing to try it- to save money, but also because cloth diapers are so cute these days!  I had a friend who did it so I thought I would try.  Really, the hardest part was researching how to wash them properly.  But once I found this website, fluffloveuniversity, that cleared up a lot of confusion because they had already done all the scientific testing and research!  So, Lily is 26 months currently and I started introducing her to potty training around 15 months, just because I could tell when she was going number 2 (slightly constipated).  I didn't put a lot of pressure on her because she was so young, and I figured that, according to this, I was at least helping her recognize how she feels. She had some success at first.  This summer, I decided to really try and potty train her.  Summers are great for that because we can be outside more and she can wear summer dresses with nothing underneath, which is what we did with Ari.  We used disposable diapers with Lily for some longer outings and for bedtime, so I decided to stop switching back and forth between cloth and disposable because I thought that would confuse her.  But, Lily doesn't seem to care.  Either she is just used to feeling wet and heavy (cloth diapers are bulkier and a bit heavier than disposables and also don't do as great of a job at wicking away the moisture) or she just isn't ready yet.  Ari hates being wet anywhere- even just a tiny bit- so the natural consequence of accidents was enough to motivate her to potty train, I think.  Lily had some success for awhile, but lately it seems like she just comes to tell me "I peed" or "I pooped" with no remorse that it was on the ground or in her underwear.  She almost sounded proud.  Well, at least she is recognizing her bodily functions!  Maybe I didn't use all the resources I used with Ari, and maybe I really didn't try hard enough.  And maybe the cloth diaper potty training is just a whole other thing.  (However, one other way I am thankful I did cloth diapering is because it got me in the habit of cleaning out messy clothes anyway and getting the tools I need to do that efficiently).  Tools: spray pal, bidet diaper pail wet/dry bag. I believe everyone should have a bidet- it is great for many things not just spraying out poopy pants.

Whatever the reason it is, and whoever's fault it is - mine, Lily's, cloth diaper's, etc.- Lily is NOT progressing at potty training!

I am pretty stubborn and pretty persistent.  Which can be my vice as well as my virtue.  This last week, Andrew went and bought some disposable diapers- with my permission.  But I would have bought a small pack, but he bought this:

100 count disposable diapers

It was a blessing because I believe I have carpal tunnel in my left wrist.  It has become so painful lately that simple tasks like snapping and unsnapping these cute cloth diapers is nearly impossible.  My grip strength is decreasing.  And Lily drinks A LOT and therefore pees A LOT.  I think I changed her cloth diapers 8-12 times a day on average.  Do you see the number of hours of absorbency on the package of disposables?  12 hours!  That decreases a lot of diaper changes!  (I do change her more frequently than 12 hours).  

Using disposables has not only saved my hand from some pain throughout my day, it has saved Lily and I from some power struggles.  Cloth diapers sometimes leak and when she is wet, she needs to be changed immediately.  This is hard for her when she is cold or tired or hungry.  Timing is everything and it was a bit stressful.  Lily is very different from Ari.  She needs her fluffy blanket and sippy cup of milk and she is probably just as stubborn as me- or more.  So, I don't know when she will potty train.  But, I assume before kindergarten. :)  

The sippy cup of milk has become a problem too- she became dependent on it to get her to sleep at nap time and bed time.  Her dentist said to stop that last year and now she is due for another check up and I don't want to be that mom that makes the dentist think, "Why didn't she do what I said?"

So, of course, naps and bedtimes have been difficult.  

I believe Lily is sent to me to teach me about agency.  I tried to get her to go down for a nap at 1 when Ari is still at school so I can get some things done and then wake her up to get her sissy from school.  I tried reading to her, laying down with her, listening to music with her, etc.  That took a lot of time and my house was getting very messy.  Today I read to her, put her in her bed with her fluffy blanket and penguin and went out the door.  She can open the door now...  I put a door knob cover on the door knob... She pulled that off.  I put a different type of door knob cover on her door knob.  She pulled that off.... I put a door knob cover plus a sock on the door knob, she pretty much laughed as she pulled that off... I drew a picture with her of things she can do in her room during "quiet time" (sleep, read, play quietly, puzzle).  She happily took her picture into her room and then came out a minute later.  I tried the Super Nanny trick of calmly but sternly putting her back in bed repetitively without speaking to her.  She still came out.  This took the entire hour and a half.  Then it was time to get Ari from school.  She and Lily played with peanut butter play dough and then at 3:30, I found Lily asleep like this: 

So sweet!

She napped for an hour, and went to bed at about 9pm.  

So there you have it!  My theory on potty training and naps and cloth diapers and agency!  Out the window!  Every kid is different... every situation is different... we just cope and hope.  :)

Sharing Toys

Ariana (6) and Lily (2) love each other very much.  Lily has missed Ari when she goes to school all day and sometimes asks, "Sissy go?".  Ari can be very sweet to Lily and loves to help her with lots of things and teach her how to talk correctly and dance and reads to her.  They love to dance together and play dress up and pick raspberries in the backyard and share a snack.  But, when they play with toys together, quite often I hear, "MINE!"  "SISSY'S!!!!"  "WAAAAAHHH"  "LILY!  GIVE IT BACK!"  "SHE WANTS TO TAKE EVERYTHING AND I AM PLAYING WITH THOSE!"  And their playtime usually ends with Ari yelling a few more mean phrases with the word 'stupid' or 'hate' or 'never' in it and slamming the door and Lily falling to a heap in the living room wailing.

My first thought is usually, "Why doesn't Ari know how to share with Lily?  She's 6!  She is usually so patient with Lily.  I have taught her how to say please and hold out her hand instead of grabbing from Lily.  I have taught her how to make a trade with Lily or to wait it out and get the toy when Lily loses interest.  I have taught her to ask me for help if those techniques don't work."  What's going on is, Lily is grabbing toys that Ari has already chosen to play with.  The toys were Ari's first, after all, since she was born first and is nearly 4 years older, so she has already decided her favorites.  Lily is old enough now to have an opinion and is skilled enough to play with two or more things at a time, so the make a trade technique doesn't work for her anymore.  Also, Lily has a much longer attention span and is no longer in the cause-and-effect only type of play but can do imaginary play.  So, the waiting it out technique doesn't work for Ari anymore.  And, I don't know why she isn't coming to me for help, except maybe she finds it more easy or effective to yell or grab.  Lily also tends to like the same things as Ari now.

Lily took a late nap today so I had some time with Ari after school.  We did a puzzle and talked about the sharing issue.  I asked her why she has trouble sharing toys with Lily she said because those toys are special and she doesn't want Lily to have them and also that she wishes she had an older sister to play with her.  I told her that is why we try to let you play with friends often and asked if she ever has trouble sharing with friends.  She said, "no, because I let her choose because we have a rule in our house that when a guest is over, you let them play what they want to play."  WOW!  I do remember teaching her a little lesson several months ago about how to treat a guest at a play date at your house, but I didn't think it stuck, but I guess it did!  HOORAY!

Then I got some paper and markers.  I drew a picture of the girls' room.  Ari likes to draw pictures with me.  She sat on my lap and watched as I talked about their room, specifically the space under her loft bed, being the "sharing space."  Then I drew a picture of another room and talked about it being "Ari's play alone space."  I told her that if she plays nicely with Lily for just 5-10 minutes then she can play with her own toys in her alone play space.  She agreed.  Then we talked about and drew a picture of what "Playing Nicely" does not look like and sound like and then, on the other half of the paper, what "Playing Nicely" does look like and sound like.  Ari helped with that side.  She wrote "sorry, Lily" in the word bubble and I told her it is good to say sorry when we do something wrong, but I am hoping that when you are playing nicely you won't be doing anything wrong.  Then we came up with some more phrases.  She drew about 7 check boxes on the right of the page and said she wants a prize from the store when she fills the check boxes.  I agreed and mentioned that if she has a bad play time with Lily, I just might add on another check box.  (Oops, just realized that's a type of cost response punishment- something my work training frowns upon. Oh well, maybe I will occasionally).

Then we sorted toys into new pink containers.  What I wished I had told her earlier is that these containers are toys that she and Lily need to share and she can't keep to herself.  When Lily woke up, I had Ari choose a pink box of toys to share with Lily for her sister play time.  She immediately got defensive and said, "not these!"  (The Magic Clip Princesses)  Lily immediately cried.  Oh geesh.  We chose the Sofia the First toys (or "Fo Fat" as Lily says ;) and they still fought a bit.  I was a little distracted trying to get dinner going (bad timing to try to be successful at helping them).  Ari ended up frowning a lot and saying mean things.  They were separated.  I drew an extra box on her chart.  She was a little sad, I encouraged her to try again.  We had dinner.  Then they played outside SOOO nicely!  I heard: "Lily, want Sissy to pull you in the wagon?"  And Lily was so happy and so was Ari and I folded an entire basket of laundry and the weather was perfect!  At bedtime, I thanked Ari for playing so nicely outside with Lily and put a smiley face in the first check box.

When Andrew got home he showed Ari the carousel accessory he bought for her carousel that was given to her.  He bought it on Amazon weeks ago as a prize she can earn.  He and I told her that this is what she can have if she fills all her check boxes.  She looked at the fancy lion and her eyes grew big and she smiled!

In the past I have been inconsistent at using "working for" charts as a Mom, but I am determined this time.  My plan is to give them even just 5 minutes here and there to practice playing nicely.  And while Ari is at school, I will take a few minutes to play with Lily to teach her not to grab toys but to ask instead and to make trades or wait (that one may be really hard for her personally).  Then when I am alone with Ari, re-teach her the sharing techniques discussed above.  And of course, allow her some time, with me only or alone, to play with the toys she really wants to play with.  (Maybe we'll break out the big polly pockets - which Lily is too little to play with- and have them ride on the carousel.)

Update: Sept. 7th Ariana earned her prize for sharing with Lily!

She loves her carousel lion!

 I did forget to require them to play together a few times and could have been more consistent with it and I did not get around to teaching Lily to ask instead of grab toys, except maybe briefly once or twice, but overall, this challenge has made me more aware of what is going on with my kids and has reminded me to praise them when I do hear them getting along well.  It is so easy as a parent to only notice the negative, whiny voices and try to correct them rather than have my ears tuned in to when they ARE sharing and getting along well. After discussing with Ari what sharing looks like and sounds like, I was able to notice it more and often say, "I like what I'm hearing, you both sound so happy!" or "I like what  I'm seeing now."  I even took the time once or twice to just sit a little ways off from them while they were playing and observe and jump in to give prompts to Lily like, "say please," or to Ari, "hold your hand out" or "give her another toy."  This really helped, I think.  I tried to catch it on video, but then they were playing so nicely after that, so I got only positive interactions on camera!

Oh, and Lily loves to do puzzles!  She's pretty good at them, too!